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TonyS

New Member
Aug 3, 2018
4
This is the first time I have joined this type of community. I've PTSD, bipolar 2 disorder, depression, and anxiety issues - most of which I have lived with under heavy medication for most of my life.

Always I have thought that things would get better if I just held on to my hope and worked hard in life. I have an impressive job and work 10 hour days. I am financially stable, I exercise and am in good health. I've got decent social skills and being moderately attractive has never hurt me when making friends or seeking a boyfriend/fling. It would seem I had advantages and achievements that should set me up for success and yet I feel so empty inside.
I've always felt that nothing mattered or paid off in the end but for the first time logic stands beside my feelings - things are not getting better. I was born into poverty and will die in poverty. As an American I cannot receive healthcare and certainly cannot afford it on top of my living expenses.
I went to a Catholic school until I was in 8th grade and now even as an adult and an atheist I still feel sparks of fear about "what if?" and the permenance of an afterlife. How pathetic, right?

I still have glimpses of hope that I will finally catch my big break after years of busting my ass at work, that I will meet Mr. Right, that I will have a creative breakthrough and finally craft a masterpiece. But now I realize that those things do not matter. None of it does. The big question to it all is "so what?"

This might not make sense. It is hard for me to xxpress these thoughts after holding them in through all of these years.
 
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