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Wannagonow

Member
Nov 16, 2022
56
I saw a new doc today. Third one in a year as they keep moving on. Today's person dc'd three meds and added two more. Diagnosed BP and a plethora of other labels for over 30 years. I guess I'm used to this. However, I still complained about it to my best friend. She threw out an interesting question: if she handed me a one-time pill that would cure my BP etc..., would I take it?
I remained silent and found myself actually thinking alot about it. I knew the "right" answer, but couldn't throw it out there. She said she knew that would be my response. I didn't. I guess I've become used to feeling sad and wanting to ctb. I know how to function within those boundaries.
Does this make any sense to you? What would your response be?
 
almaranthine

almaranthine

Wizard
Nov 28, 2019
600
Part of the reason why I’ve convinced myself that I should ctb is because of the many manic/psychotic episodes I have experienced (largely convinced I’m BP, but don’t have an official diagnosis because I have no healthcare) and my unwillingness to go through another one. I just can’t bear the thought of losing my mind for months again. If I could take a pill and instantly fix my brain and ensure that I would never go crazy again... I would definitely have to pause and reconsider my stance. Sadly though, the magic pill does not exist, and even if it did... it does not change the past and the several years I spent unhinged, ruining my life.
 
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Wannagonow

Member
Nov 16, 2022
56
Part of the reason why I’ve convinced myself that I should ctb is because of the many manic/psychotic episodes I have experienced (largely convinced I’m BP, but don’t have an official diagnosis because I have no healthcare) and my unwillingness to go through another one. I just can’t bear the thought of losing my mind for months again. If I could take a pill and instantly fix my brain and ensure that I would never go crazy again... I would definitely have to pause and reconsider my stance. Sadly though, the magic pill does not exist, and even if it did... it does not change the past and the several years I spent unhinged, ruining my life.
Thanks for your thoughts!
 
BipolarExpress

BipolarExpress

he/him · tired/exhausted
Nov 11, 2022
261
Part of the reason why I’ve convinced myself that I should ctb is because of the many manic/psychotic episodes I have experienced (largely convinced I’m BP, but don’t have an official diagnosis because I have no healthcare) and my unwillingness to go through another one. I just can’t bear the thought of losing my mind for months again. If I could take a pill and instantly fix my brain and ensure that I would never go crazy again... I would definitely have to pause and reconsider my stance. Sadly though, the magic pill does not exist, and even if it did... it does not change the past and the several years I spent unhinged, ruining my life.
Yeah, a manic/psychotic episode, my crushing depression, and some hypomanic episodes are a large reason why I'm ready to catch the bus. That and... feeling completely out of place as an autistic person in a world that isn't made for me. The bipolar symptoms and the autistic traits, along with my OCD, came together over the past two years and resulted in my brain being, well, basically broken. I can't see things the way I did before. I have strange and arbitrary triggers that would provoke laughter and bewilderment if I told others about them. I have constant flashbacks about how people reacted to me during my episodes. I keep remembering all the embarrassing things I said and did. It's been a living nightmare for the past two years, and I don't see it ending anytime soon.

My therapist says things like "oh, you're still recovering" and "things will get better," but I don't feel that way. I'm sick of the platitudes. I have NEVER been this depressed in my life, and I've had depressive episodes for years, which is par for the course if you have bipolar. I have also had suicidal ideations for years. But never have I actually reached the point that I have ordered actual fucking poison to kill myself. Even when I was homeless I wasn't actually going to kill myself, because I still had hope that things would get better. Even when I was in grinding poverty, I still had hope. Even after Trump was elected, I still had the will in me to fight everything he stood for. COVID broke me. Not getting COVID, but everything about the pandemic and the isolation it engendered. It's already hard for me to socialise as an autistic person, and it only got worse during the pandemic when my social skills deteriorated to the point that I was behaving in ways that I'd learned to avoid in my TEENS. I'm in my 30s! I was acting like my adolescent self again and I was dealing with psychosis, depression, and mania on top of that.

I have dealt with a lot. But this—this really broke me to pieces. I may look as though I've recovered—I'm working again and have spent time with my friends since I was discharged from the psych ward in June after the manic episode—but that's only a façade. I may look functional on the surface, but this is the darkest depression I have ever gone through.
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
1,268
You're not alone- Stephen Fry gave an interview where he said pretty much the same thing- if there was a button you could press to stop it- would you? ... Probably not. I think he felt the manic phases actually 'helped' him sometimes creatively. There have been other actors too like Jeremy Brett who have said the extremes of the manic phases can help in acting. Still, I imagine the depressive phases must be utterly crushing and a nightmare to get through.

Thing is- all any of us know what it's like to be like is ourselves and that 'disorder' I guess can end up feeling like a part of ourselves too. I'm not bipolar (that's what you meant by BP right? Never sure whether people are refering to Borderline Personality or Bipolar) but I suppose I'm depressed and likely have been most of my life. I just can't imagine not thinking like this now though- almost like I would be someone else if I did.
 
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BipolarExpress

BipolarExpress

he/him · tired/exhausted
Nov 11, 2022
261
You're not alone- Stephen Fry gave an interview where he said pretty much the same thing- if there was a button you could press to stop it- would you? ... Probably not. I think he felt the manic phases actually 'helped' him sometimes creatively. There have been other actors too like Jeremy Brett who have said the extremes of the manic phases can help in acting. Still, I imagine the depressive phases must be utterly crushing and a nightmare to get through.

Thing is- all any of us know what it's like to be like is ourselves and that 'disorder' I guess can end up feeling like a part of ourselves too. I'm not bipolar (that's what you meant by BP right? Never sure whether people are refering to Borderline Personality or Bipolar) but I suppose I'm depressed and likely have been most of my life. I just can't imagine not thinking like this now though- almost like I would be someone else if I did.
Judging by the references to mania in some of the earlier threads, I do think they meant bipolar. It's confusing, since bipolar is often abbreviated as BP, and borderline personality disorder is referred to as BPD. I write "bipolar" out to be clear.
 
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Wannagonow

Member
Nov 16, 2022
56
Judging by the references to mania in some of the earlier threads, I do think they meant bipolar. It's confusing, since bipolar is often abbreviated as BP, and borderline personality disorder is referred to as BPD. I write "bipolar" out to be clear.
BPD. I write "bipolar" out to be clear.
Yes. I did mean bipolar. I can see now how it was confusing the way I wrote it. Think I'll take your lead and just write "bipolar" from now on. This was my first thread post and I'm not confident with the abbreviations yet.
You're not alone- Stephen Fry gave an interview where he said pretty much the same thing- if there was a button you could press to stop it- would you? ... Probably not. I think he felt the manic phases actually 'helped' him sometimes creatively. There have been other actors too like Jeremy Brett who have said the extremes of the manic phases can help in acting. Still, I imagine the depressive phases must be utterly crushing and a nightmare to get through.

Thing is- all any of us know what it's like to be like is ourselves and that 'disorder' I guess can end up feeling like a part of ourselves too. I'm not bipolar (that's what you meant by BP right? Never sure whether people are refering to Borderline Personality or Bipolar) but I suppose I'm depressed and likely have been most of my life. I just can't imagine not thinking like this now though- almost like I would be someone else if I did.

I'd take it not a single question asked. I wish I could choose life
Interesting. Not sure why I wouldn't jump at the opportunity to take this pill. Choosing life is not always the way bipolar brain works. But I'm still here.
 
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D

Dominicka

Member
Dec 22, 2021
9
Part of the reason why I’ve convinced myself that I should ctb is because of the many manic/psychotic episodes I have experienced (largely convinced I’m BP, but don’t have an official diagnosis because I have no healthcare) and my unwillingness to go through another one. I just can’t bear the thought of losing my mind for months again. If I could take a pill and instantly fix my brain and ensure that I would never go crazy again... I would definitely have to pause and reconsider my stance. Sadly though, the magic pill does not exist, and even if it did... it does not change the past and the several years I spent unhinged, ruining my life.
Yes it absolutely makes sense. As scary as our minds are, we’re used to it and there’s this weird twisted irony of not immediately wanting it to go away. But wanting it to go away so badly at the same time. WTAF.
 
NoLightRemains

NoLightRemains

The light of my life has waned
Sep 26, 2021
195
It's really hard to imagine not being miserable and suicidal all the time. It's part of why recovery feels like such an unobtainable goal for me with this round of depression. I don't even know what a "cured" version of myself would look like. I just don't want to suffer.
 
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Wannagonow

Member
Nov 16, 2022
56
It's really hard to imagine not being miserable and suicidal all the time. It's part of why recovery feels like such an unobtainable goal for me with this round of depression. I don't even know what a "cured" version of myself would look like. I just don't want to suffer.
I agree it seems really hard to imagine not being miserable and suicidal all the time. I have felt this way for SO many years, I'm almost used to it (if that makes sense). That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. But it's what's familiar. Thanks for your thoughts.
 
Exact Change

Exact Change

A life of mistakes
Nov 6, 2022
78
I'm not sure what i'd do. I'm not BP but have other issues. Since I have no idea what it is to be "normal" and also happy, there is a fear of what that is. if I took the pill, Id probably spend the rest of my life hating myself for how I was before I took the cure.
 
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Wannagonow

Member
Nov 16, 2022
56
Yes it absolutely makes sense. As scary as our minds are, we’re used to it and there’s this weird twisted irony of not immediately wanting it to go away. But wanting it to go away so badly at the same time. WTAF.
This is exactly what my struggle is. I'm so used to the horrible depression and mania (hypomania).
 
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tyasma

tyasma

Member
Oct 14, 2022
33
Basically magically turn into a NT/normie. Yes, I'll take it no questions asked. I wouldn't even le "be myself" but I don't care, not really.

... or do I?
 
S

Sad_Sack

Experienced
Oct 3, 2022
255
If there was a medication to cure my issues I would take it straight to the neck.
 
BipolarExpress

BipolarExpress

he/him · tired/exhausted
Nov 11, 2022
261
I would absolutely take a pill that actually cured me of depression. I'm sick of managing my mental health problems; I want to be CURED of them. As it is, it's too much work. I'm overwhelmed and just want to quit.
 
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𖣴 nemo 𖣴

𖣴 nemo 𖣴

...member...
Dec 15, 2021
172
I don't have BP but I would take the pill to make my depression, anxiety, and cPTSD disappear. The last two problems are relatively new and I haven't come to terms with or gotten used to how they've impacted my personality and stopped me from doing the things I'd normally do, it feels like I've lost my old identity.

If it was a choice between this cure and N/fentanyl I'd want to pick the second option because realistically things would turn to shit again later down the line but I'd probably end up choosing the cure so that my loved ones wouldn't have to go through a bereavement.
 
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wesv

already dead
Nov 21, 2022
12
If I had a pill to cure my schizophrenia, sure I would take it. But would it even change things? Would it even matter?

This year has been hell for me. This "illness" has taken away everything from me. Not only have I lost the control of my own mind, my body, I've also lost my family. I've lost my mom, dad, my sister. I can never look at them the same way. They betrayed me. They are the reason why I want to kill myself.

This "illness" has taken away my faith in doctors, nurses, therapists, social workers, institutions, hospitals, educators - everyone and everything that's supposed to be good in this world, it's all a fucking lie. I know the truth now. I have growing apathy in me and I don't care to live anymore. Life is a burden. Living is a burden. This diagnosis has shown me true evil and corruption in this world. Can you take away these memories, make me forget?
 
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Rounded Apathy

Rounded Apathy

Longing to return to stardust
Aug 8, 2022
729
I don't have BP but I would take the pill to make my depression, anxiety, and cPTSD disappear. The last two problems are relatively new and I haven't come to terms with or gotten used to how they've impacted my personality and stopped me from doing the things I'd normally do, it feels like I've lost my old identity.
Very relatable. I've noticed a big divide in the expressed struggles of folks here who have been basically "coping" with whatever their issues are for the better part of their lives - if not the entirety of them - and those of us who've faced the "death" of our former selves at some point. I honestly don't know which is worse, and wonder if anyone would make a trade if they could.

If it was a choice between this cure and N/fentanyl I'd want to pick the second option because realistically things would turn to shit again later down the line
This is the real dilemma I think, and I've polled the forum about before: a cure for everything ailing you now, with no magic fix for whatever can/will bog you down in the future...or a guaranteed pleasant and peaceful exit? I too would take the cure and at least get a few more good life years out of this ride yet; hell, I'm already being pushed to a not-ideal exit, which I still can take later on...